March 22, 2006 Acting Under Secretary Jeffrey W. Runge, M.D. Directorate for Science and Technology U.S. Department of Homeland Security Washington, D.C. 20528 Dear Dr. Runge, As with all previous periods of trial and tribulation in the history of America, it is the support and sacrifice of our remarkable citizenry that will see us through to tomorrow. Of all the remarkable traits that make up the American character, I purport that it is our ingenuity that will undoubtedly ensure victory in the Ongoing Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism. I feel it is the responsibility of every American to serve the country with our unique skills and individual talents. For my part, Dr. Runge, I offer to you the exclusive rights to my latest breakthrough in 21st century technology: Surveillance Sandwich. Sandwiches are all around us. They blend seamlessly into our environment as they appear by the millions every lunchtime. Universally adored and culturally ubiquitous, sandwiches are the perfect Trojan Horse for contemporary society. Enclosed in this packet you will find a file containing plans and images of a prototype Surveillance Sandwich.* This piece of equipment looks identical to an actual sandwich one might order from a diner-style restaurant or a neighborhood delicatessen – but there is a key difference. Hidden inside the olive that sits atop this savory lunch item is a microcamera. When a subject walks by the camera, a motion-sensor triggers a hidden motor and the olive-cam pans back and forth, capturing the enemy's furtive movements. An LED light on the crust blinks so the operating agent knows the equipment is operational, and the enemy is none the wiser. I am confident that my fool-proof device will soon become a standard item in the US military surveillance arsenal but, as I am sure you are aware, it could be quite dangerous in the wrong hands. If our enemies were to steal my plans and develop similar technology we would eventually have to inspect or even dissect every sandwich we eat. That's not my America.  Dr. Runge, I am contacting you because it would be an honor for my years of research and development to reach fruition through service with the Department of Homeland Security. For my part, I only humbly request a reasonable honorarium, relocation costs for me and my family, and a private, secure, preferably underground laboratory where I may continue my work. Together we will triumph. I look forward to hearing from you.** Sincerely, Jeff Badger ---- *Please note that the model primarily featured is the "Ham and Cheese" version, although I have also created two additional operational prototypes: the "Hoagie" and the "Egg Salad on a Kaiser Roll". Judging by the success of these additional designs, I am confident that I could modify my technology to blend into a variety of environments through the use of culturally specific sandwich variants. **Until such time as I hear from you, I am willing to enter into a voluntary non-disclosure agreement regarding my project for a period of six weeks from the date*** of this letter. ***Here, "date" refers to the date of the letter, rather than the postmark date, which may or may not be identical.